This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Admissions Office Hires Specialist to Seduce Students

This WesFest, University officials have flown nobleman and infamous seductive force Count Domenico Gautrand-Hass in from his “love chateau” on Lake Geneva in order to teach the university a thing or two about the delicate tango we call temptation. Gautrand-Hass, known throughout Western Europe’s orgy community as “le vipere,” brings two decades of experience, a cask of aphrodisiac brandies, and an ancestry that includes François Gautrand, the French homosexual credited with “turning” Oscar Wilde, as well as Kaspar Ludwig Hass, known to readers of Goethe’s Faust as the inspiration for the character Mephistopheles.

“Lust is not a night boat,” reports Gautrand-Hass. “It is a cosmic perfume.”

Prospective and current students alike report that they did not think that they could ever be attracted to the sort of razor-thin moustache that runs puckishly along Gautrand-Hass’s upper lip, but they are.

“I was looking as the art center and he rode up to me on a Hungarian purebred stallion. He asked me what I knew about the breeding of truffle smelling pigs,” says Ethan Rosenblatt of Sbarro, PA. “I told him I was interested in Neuroscience and Film Studies. He put one finger to my lips, an unseen hand barely caressing my nape. I felt safe. The next thing I remember, I had already sent in my deposit. Go Cardinals…”

“Domenico has been great,” reports Elsa Flips, Dean of Admissions. “We used to focus all our attention on alumni panels and barbeques. Count Gautrand-Hass has shown us that the only things necessary for a successful WesFest are tasteful cheeses, the strength to give as well as take, and the confidence to take what you must not lose.”

Other schools have intensified their prospective students weekends as well. Harvard introduced “Crimson Spoken Karaoke,” a participatory event meant to introduce students to the joy of telling other people they go to Harvard. Sarah Lawrence hired well-known pick-up artist John Shadow, author of The Pull to lure students to their school through alcohol and well-placed comments deriding their weight. For now, Wesleyan has its European sorcerer.

“Give me one night with them,” says Gautrand-Hass. “One night to change their lives.”