This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


A Note from the Editors

This is the Children’s Issue, as you might have realized. Over Winter break, we ate so much play-dough that we regressed into childhood. Plato ate play-dough. The Children’s Issue is dedicated to former Argus Editor-in-Chief Katherine Yagle, who is in now helping orphans in India; her reign of terror has ended, and now we can do whatever we want (even more). Our long national nightmare is over.
—Benjamin & Zach

Kids Gain Right to Vote (ONLINE X-KLUSIV)

A break in the Congressional session amid a debate over America's voting age may have created a rare window of opportunity for kids in their long struggle for self-determination: for the next month, kids (or "young people" as they prefer to be called) under the age of 18 will legally able to vote.

"This is perhaps the most exciting development in our history as a collective struggle for freedom," said Junior Jackson, chair of the Coalition for the Untied States (CUSS), which, according to its website, is "an advocacy group for young people who have not yet learned to tie their shoes." It has made strides in recent years to separate itself from the velcro strap lobby.

Already, a number of collectivized initiatives have been drawn up among kids, but with a system of organization based upon birthday presents given and classroom rebellions, child politics have always drawn criticism from adults, sometimes referred to in the community using the derogatory term "bores." They accuse child politics as being needlessly cruel and developmentally inappropriate, with the numerous opportunities for exposure to Congressional sex scandals – the lengthy discussion of the Sen. Larry Craig's "wide stance" in a bathroom stall in 2007, for example, prompted the now-famous outcry from Milbank Finster, "Well, what happens if you sit down on the potty and your tummy hurts real bad?"

Such issues are brought into ugly light every 8 or 10 years, when the class of Child representatives, at the age of 16, is completely turned over, almost invariably to younger siblings. "I'm glad I get to be next in line," said Bobby Young, 8, as he chased a small girl around the schoolyard and yanked on her pigtails forcefully. "I don't know what I'd do with my life otherwise." Young's siblings (there are four of them) are notorious for demanding juicebox favors in response to their votes, but they have also been involved in many charitable causes, in 2005 donating a month's worth of Lunchables to an entire school district.

In the words of the much-revered Tommy Pickles (C-AZ, now 20 years old and in hiding at a small Northeastern liberal arts college), "a baby's gotta do what a baby's gotta do." The formation of political parties is the next step in the journey of the young people. Many names that appeal to opposing tastes, such as the "Pokémon Party" and "Digimon Party" have been bandied about over the years, but today the "Disney Channel Party" and the "Nick Party" have a special, even permanent, appeal. "We're trying to think of what kids will want way in the future, like, when I'm in high school," said one young person at a CUSS rally.

Tweet from Piers

“It is my fervid hope that my new mustache will impress my new peers.” —Piers

JUST "4" KIDS: Word Search

Foto Essae: KIDCITI Childerns Musuam

Kritic's Notebook: Toys

We here at the Ampersand are fully devoted to keeping our readers up to date with the newest, most popular toys on the market. Doing so is one of the most important parts of our charter, right after the bit about requiring a minimum amount of illicit substances at every meeting and the other bit about not allowing raccoons at meetings anymore (yes, those two are related, and no, we’d rather not discuss them). So I trekked down to my local toy store and evaluated the selection.

Batman Action Figure: I never saw the appeal of action figures. You lift the arm up, you put it down. You make him hold the little plastic gun, you take it out of his hand. I placed Batman in a sexually compromising position with multiple barbies and moved on. Score: 1.25/5

LEGO Pirate Ship Playset: I’m a huge fan of creative play. If I have kids, I’m not going to just go out and get them some pre-made plastic piece of malarkey—they’re gonna have to work for their toys, like I did at that carpet factory in Weehawken. But apparently the other parents in the store didn’t feel the same way,because I kept getting a bunch of weird looks because of the tribute to the filmography of Ingmar Bergman that I constructed with this playset. Score: 4/5

Spin and Say: This seemed like a fun and educational toy, but I couldn’t really tell, because at this point,the staff and some of the other parents were starting to get really pushy about me leaving the store. I tried to explain I was there for legit journalistic purposes and kept reaching into my trenchcoat to retrieve my laminated Ampersand reporter ID, but everytime I did they’d just start shrieking again. Score: Probably a 3

NERF Vulcan Machine Gun: Now this is what I’m talking about. Score: Kanye/5

Kritic's Notebook: Juice

Though Mott’s is far too brawny and full-bodied for this reviewer’s delicate sensibilities, its bouquet is exquisitely varied, with undertones of chestnut, Peruvian apricots, rich soil, cane sugar, lanolin, musky caramel, sandalwood, and margarine— evocative of unrequited love. The palate entry is elegant, but mid-palate tapers into a jarring broadness of crunchy, autumnal qualities that squander the harmonious nostalgia of its first notes. This apple juice is overly emotional, but shows promise. Would be delightful served at a mid-November Bris with braised lamb-shank and sauteed mushrooms in a bechamel sauce du jour.

Gold$mith to Host Birthday$

Citing an alarming dip in funding for the Film Studies department, representatives of the Goldsmith Family Cinema have revealed plans to host children’s birthday parties regularly throughout the spring semester.


But department chair Beanine Jasinger insists the change will not affect the scheduled Film Series lineup.

“We’ll be going through with our Impressionistic 1920s German Horror series as planned, no doubt. And we already have a fifth grade party lined up for next month’s showing of Bergman’s Cries and Whispers,” assures the prominent ilm historian. “But you know, we’ll also have balloons and ice cream cake. Kids eat that shit up—literally.”

Amendments to the calendar will, however, be permitted for special cases, Jasinger adds.

“We’ll screen The Making of Transformers 3: Inside Shia LaBeouf’s Dressing Room if Michael Bay wants to have his daughter’s birthday party here. Then again, it was kinda cool that time Michael Bay gave us $4 million and we didn’t have to sing happy birthday or scrape up vomit. Do you think maybe he’d be willing to do that again?”

Viagra® Kids

FGSS Savant Wows Profs

This semester, students may notice a new face on campus. At age 10, Klaus Abu-Lubshod ’14 may be a bit younger than the rest of the student body, but he’s no ordinary little boy.

When Klaus was born, doctors told his parents that he would probably never ever be able to speak, read, or interact with his peers. But despite profound retardation across nearly every area of intellectual, social and hygienic functioning, Klaus has proved to possess a remarkable capacity in one isolated field: gender studies.

“We first noticed Klaus’ special talent when we were reading him Mike Mulligan’s Steam Shovel and he launched into a brilliant critique of the book’s paternalistic representation of male phallocentric technocracy,” says his father, Dietrich Lubshod. “We thought it might have been a fluke, but after seeing The Land Before Time he insightfully identified the dinosaur necks as a prehistoric psychosexual representation of male phallocentric technocracy! That’s when his mother and I realized he was truly remarkable.”

Savant syndrome is a rare condition in which people with developmental disorders excel in one restricted area. Savants have been depicted in popular films such as The Rainman and Angels in the Outfield.

While Klaus cannot tie his shoes or handle solid foods, his post-Lacanian critiques of globalized hegemonic capito-sexual phenomena are regularly published in journals such as Post-Radical Womanism, Biosemiotic Ontological Critique Quarterly, and Sports Illustrated for Women.

“At the age of ten, Klaus is already deconstructing at the level of a post-graduate student,” says Wesleyan FGSS Professor Cherri Gough. “We have a veritable feminist, gender and sexuality studies Mozart on our hands. Gender studies hasn’t seen such a formidable but deeply defective mind since Judith Butler.”

Some, however, are not so impressed by Abu-Lubshod’s talents. “I tried to talk to him about race,” says Professor of African-American Studies Kwame X. Rosenbaum, “but he just drooled on my shoes.”