We here at the Ampersand are fully devoted to keeping our readers up to date with the newest, most popular toys on the market. Doing so is one of the most important parts of our charter, right after the bit about requiring a minimum amount of illicit substances at every meeting and the other bit about not allowing raccoons at meetings anymore (yes, those two are related, and no, we’d rather not discuss them). So I trekked down to my local toy store and evaluated the selection.
Batman Action Figure: I never saw the appeal of action figures. You lift the arm up, you put it down. You make him hold the little plastic gun, you take it out of his hand. I placed Batman in a sexually compromising position with multiple barbies and moved on. Score: 1.25/5
LEGO Pirate Ship Playset: I’m a huge fan of creative play. If I have kids, I’m not going to just go out and get them some pre-made plastic piece of malarkey—they’re gonna have to work for their toys, like I did at that carpet factory in Weehawken. But apparently the other parents in the store didn’t feel the same way,because I kept getting a bunch of weird looks because of the tribute to the filmography of Ingmar Bergman that I constructed with this playset. Score: 4/5
Spin and Say: This seemed like a fun and educational toy, but I couldn’t really tell, because at this point,the staff and some of the other parents were starting to get really pushy about me leaving the store. I tried to explain I was there for legit journalistic purposes and kept reaching into my trenchcoat to retrieve my laminated Ampersand reporter ID, but everytime I did they’d just start shrieking again. Score: Probably a 3
NERF Vulcan Machine Gun: Now this is what I’m talking about. Score: Kanye/5