This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.

1/25/11

Kids Gain Right to Vote (ONLINE X-KLUSIV)

A break in the Congressional session amid a debate over America's voting age may have created a rare window of opportunity for kids in their long struggle for self-determination: for the next month, kids (or "young people" as they prefer to be called) under the age of 18 will legally able to vote.

"This is perhaps the most exciting development in our history as a collective struggle for freedom," said Junior Jackson, chair of the Coalition for the Untied States (CUSS), which, according to its website, is "an advocacy group for young people who have not yet learned to tie their shoes." It has made strides in recent years to separate itself from the velcro strap lobby.

Already, a number of collectivized initiatives have been drawn up among kids, but with a system of organization based upon birthday presents given and classroom rebellions, child politics have always drawn criticism from adults, sometimes referred to in the community using the derogatory term "bores." They accuse child politics as being needlessly cruel and developmentally inappropriate, with the numerous opportunities for exposure to Congressional sex scandals – the lengthy discussion of the Sen. Larry Craig's "wide stance" in a bathroom stall in 2007, for example, prompted the now-famous outcry from Milbank Finster, "Well, what happens if you sit down on the potty and your tummy hurts real bad?"

Such issues are brought into ugly light every 8 or 10 years, when the class of Child representatives, at the age of 16, is completely turned over, almost invariably to younger siblings. "I'm glad I get to be next in line," said Bobby Young, 8, as he chased a small girl around the schoolyard and yanked on her pigtails forcefully. "I don't know what I'd do with my life otherwise." Young's siblings (there are four of them) are notorious for demanding juicebox favors in response to their votes, but they have also been involved in many charitable causes, in 2005 donating a month's worth of Lunchables to an entire school district.

In the words of the much-revered Tommy Pickles (C-AZ, now 20 years old and in hiding at a small Northeastern liberal arts college), "a baby's gotta do what a baby's gotta do." The formation of political parties is the next step in the journey of the young people. Many names that appeal to opposing tastes, such as the "Pokémon Party" and "Digimon Party" have been bandied about over the years, but today the "Disney Channel Party" and the "Nick Party" have a special, even permanent, appeal. "We're trying to think of what kids will want way in the future, like, when I'm in high school," said one young person at a CUSS rally.