This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.

1/25/11

Gold$mith to Host Birthday$

Citing an alarming dip in funding for the Film Studies department, representatives of the Goldsmith Family Cinema have revealed plans to host children’s birthday parties regularly throughout the spring semester.

“MAKE YOUR SPECIAL PRINCE OR PRINCESS A STAR FOR THE DAY WITH GOLDSMITH!!!!” reads a banner on the department website. “WE HAVE THE RIGHT STUFF TO MAKE UR BIRTHDAY A HOLLYWOOD HIT!!!!11”

But department chair Beanine Jasinger insists the change will not affect the scheduled Film Series lineup.

“We’ll be going through with our Impressionistic 1920s German Horror series as planned, no doubt. And we already have a fifth grade party lined up for next month’s showing of Bergman’s Cries and Whispers,” assures the prominent ilm historian. “But you know, we’ll also have balloons and ice cream cake. Kids eat that shit up—literally.”

Amendments to the calendar will, however, be permitted for special cases, Jasinger adds.

“We’ll screen The Making of Transformers 3: Inside Shia LaBeouf’s Dressing Room if Michael Bay wants to have his daughter’s birthday party here. Then again, it was kinda cool that time Michael Bay gave us $4 million and we didn’t have to sing happy birthday or scrape up vomit. Do you think maybe he’d be willing to do that again?”