This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.

11/17/09

Seducing Beasts

“To Catch a Predator” is one of the best shows on television, in case you didn’t know or are in fact a sexual predator yourself. The Ampersand sat down with the host, Chris Hansen, for an exclusive interview. We asked Chris about the kind of mating deviant he generally goes after, and he answered, “mostly fat, unattractive men who are normally one stair-flight away from cardiac arrest.” Chris himself has quite the figure. He explained, “Sometimes when the cameras aren’t rolling it’s fun to scream, ‘The long dick of the law just came again, fuckers!’ Is that mean?” The producers were kind enough to provide us with an example of an illustrative exchange with one of the pedophiles he’s been chasing.

coolandsmooth16 (pedophile): hey there
shaftlover919 (Chris Hansen): i just want u to sit on me big boy
coolandsmooth16: god that’s hot

You get the idea. An excerpt from the local newspaper tells it all, “Four hours after the arranged meeting, a confused, middle aged man was chased down and subsequently tasered by a well-groomed TV show host in front of crowds of little children and their mothers at the Build-A-Bear Workshop in downtown Los Angeles.”

But the glamorous image of show business doesn’t tell the whole story. A teary-eyed Chris Hansen commented, “Sometimes I wonder if maybe the media, with their flashing lights, sexy hosts, and mace-toting frontmen just get in the way of true love. When I was a teenage girl, I often cried out in the night for the love of a bald, whale-ish man, the kind of guy whose trench coat pockets were stuffed with Blockbuster receipts and a handful of expired driver’s licenses. On the other hand, busting terrified pedophiles while they adjust to the sunlight is hilarious to me."