This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Roth Still Drinks Breast Milk

This week, an Ampersand investigation uncovered a shocking facet of university president Michael Roth’s otherwise-impeccable lifestyle: he has yet to wean himself off of breast milk.

A series of desperate request forms posted in Usdan, ranging from “BRST MLK PLZ,” to “Supply breast milk or I will ire you,” tipped off Bon Appetit that a culinary nonconformist hides among us. Then on Saturday, Fat Lisa ’13, the only sober student at Late Night, spotted the sobbing President rummaging behind the fruit bins in the refrigerators.

Cranky Roth has even turned to Twitter to voice his complaints, tweeting, “Quench my thirst with what I knew first,” “Moo Juice < Mom Juice,” and “this just in… another cosmic fastball from theMind of your fav Warlock; #Breastmilk. #Winning.”

Like newborns, President Roth must be fed every two hours, and his harem of wet nurses resigned earlier this week when the teeth marks and demanding schedule became too much to handle. Roth’s Nanny, Carly McMahon, says that she will work with the culinary manchild in the coming weeks on developing a taste for solid foods. In the meantime, however, guests at Friday’s birthday bash should avoid the tres leches.