This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Glorious President Roth Celebrates Birthday, Earth Trembles (ONLINE EXCLUSIVE)

Our Esteemed Leader Michael Roth celebrated his birthday this week, and as was to be expected, the effects were felt the world over. At least five volcanoes erupted at the stroke of midnight on April 8th. In addition, one thousand cardinals were sighted over South College flying in the shape of an M, no doubt a divine symbol of our President’s power.

“It was...the...most [beautiful] thing I’d...ever [seen],” said Audrey Park ’14, echoing the sentiments of all her classmates. These noble workers striving ever onward to the fulfillment of President Roth’s Glorious Vision also noted that the flowers of the gardens bloomed on this auspicious day, and the internet was faster than ever.

The Wesleyan Student Assembly announced today that in honor of this monumental good fortune bestowed upon them by “their Supreme Benefactor, we have gladly agreed to sacrifice half of our meals that they may go towards accomplishing the President’s Esteemed Four Year Plan.” Upon the announcement, a cheer arose among the representatives at the opportunity to assist the Great President and his administration.

“Truly, we are blessed by his presence on this campus,” said High Minister Andy Tanaka at a banquet honoring the occasion. “Without his guidance, we would doubtless fall prey to the machinations of the imperialist dogs of Vassar and the bourgeois greed of the University of Connecticut. The depths of my happiness at the knowledge of his eternal life know no bounds!”

President Roth was unable to attend the celebration, but an aide was sent on his behalf with the following message: “My heart fills with joy at the devotion and spontaneity behind these events. I unfortunately cannot attend, as I must fulfill a previous commitment I have made to some remote villagers who are being terrorized by a 20-foot tall, fire-breathing half-bear half-snake demon. While I slay the beast, know that all Wesleyan students reside in my heart forever.” The ceremony ended with the unanimous and completely organic 2-hour long chanting of the phrase “Our Great Leader possesses eternal life!”