This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Public Safety Report - 4/8/11 (ONLINE EXCLUSIVE)

On Friday, April 8, at 1:14 am, we received an anonymous tip reporting loud music coming from President Roth's High Street home. Fearing student vandalism, Lieutenant Hawkins and I, Officer Johnson, reported to the scene immediately.

When we approached the house, we heard loud music of the dubstep genre being played from speakers located on the ground floor. We did a quick preliminary sweep of the premises before approaching the front door. Lieutenant Hawkins knocked twice, but there was no reply. I also knocked, but no one responded. When there was no response after five minutes, Lieutenant Hawkins opened the door and we entered the house.

Immediately upon entering, we were overcome by the strong smells of alcohol and marijuana. As we walked toward the source of the music, we found ourselves in a strobe-lit living room full of smoke and people. As soon as we stepped into the doorway, someone yelled "PSAFE! EVERYONE RUN!" and chaos broke out. A chair was thrown through a first-story building, and figures began jumping out of it. The one who initially yelled was later identified as a heavily intoxicated Assistant Vice President for Student Affairs Richard T. Culliton.

Lieutenant Hawkins approached a student and asked who was throwing the party. The student declared that it was President Roth's birthday party before telling us to fuck either ourselves or each other, depending on which we preferred. When we asked where the President was, he said that he wasn't around. When we asked the student to clarify, he repeated his vulgar suggestion and jumped out one of three broken windows.

We moved through the party requesting IDs, but all the time looking for President Roth. Sometime between our unfortunate encounter with Dean Mike Whaley and our reaching the back of the room, we saw a tall, bespectacled woman jump from the second story to the ground. As we ran to the window, we saw that it was not a woman at all, but President Roth dressed in a long pink dress and carrying a homemade wand. When we asked him if we could talk to him, President Roth began running across Andrus Field.

Lieutenant Hawkins agreed to stay behind and break up the party if I pursed President Roth. I chased him across campus to where he used his key card to enter WestCollege Unit 3. Roth declared several times, "Boom, boom. I will work my magic. I will not be caught" while continuing to flee from me.

I managed to corner him twenty minutes later in the tunnels below Butterfield B. When I asked him what happened at his house, he only said, "a hell of a good time," and refused to clarify. At the time of his apprehension, he was also wearing only one shoe, a sock on his hand, and elbow pads. He refused to answer any of our questions, simply saying, "Life can be dangerous."

We recorded Michael Roth's Wes ID number and filed this PSafe report, charging him with serving alcohol to minors, drinking alcohol from open containers ourdoors on campus, and smoking of illegal substances on campus property. However, given the unprecedented nature of this report, Lieutenant Hawkins and I have done nothing in the disciplinary realm; sending President Roth before the SJB would be unfortunate since he holds the power to pardon himself. We have decided to simply avoid discussion on the incident and hope that it will never be repeated.