This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.

9/24/09

Research Suggests Preventative Medicine "Ruins the Surprise"

The Obama administration’s health care plans are of concern lately, including rationing health care and killing old people for sport. But that’s not all; Obama also wants to “give away the ending” to millions of Americans through preventative health care. We talked to Arthur, a man who narrowly avoided this disastrous fate.
“I was waiting in the emergency room,” he gurgled from his death bed, “and no one would tell me what was going on. And then, suddenly, SURPRISE!! It was a brain tumor. I was so excited I had a seizure.” With a twinkle in his eye, he added, “But it has been hard to fight the rapid memory loss.”
Democrats are scrambling to find compromises, including a “Spoiler Alert!” stamp on test results, and medication labels like “freedom candy” so as not to give patients any hints.
Meanwhile, millions of Americans can’t afford health insurance, adding a fun, spontaneous element to their lives. In fact, studies show that under Obammunism, 34% of Americans would get regular check-ups, which can lead to extreme boredom, clinical depression, cholera, lockjaw, pinkeye, scabies, scurvy, swimmer’s itch and even death. Not so “healthy” after all. Or is it? No.