This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.

9/24/09

Iconic D-bag to Join League of D-bags

WASHINGTON, D.C.---In a shocking move Monday, the G.O.P. officially signed Kanye West to perform a nation-wide tour, visiting town hall meetings across the country to interrupt Democratic speakers on health care. Minority leader of the House John Boehner: “Our scouts saw the talent inherent there: he’s boisterous, he’s brazen...black Jesus, but an asshole.”
Meanwhile, U.S. Rep. Joe Wilson, best known for shouting “You lie!” at President Obama on September 9th, is filing a class action suit against the Party, claiming they violated the terms of his contract. “My client had an exclusive agreement with the Republican Party,” says Wilson’s lawyer. “It’s negligence on their part, and we’re gonna kick their sissy asses!” He proceeded to shout “Sissie asses!” while jumping up and down, and eventually collapsing in tears.
Wilson has long been the forerunner amongst Republican interrupters. However, it may now appear that his star is fading. “Wilson? Is that the Obama guy?” comments local teenager Jeremy Fitzgerald, president of his high school’s Young Republicans club. “Dude is whack. He hasn’t had any new shit in forever.”
West, on the other hand, makes new shit all the time. “Yo, I’ma be straight with you,” the rapper said between sips of chocolate breast milk. “I don’t know who this Wilson guy is, but I had one of the best interruptions of all time!”
The Party’s decision to hire West coincides with a current movement to make the G.O.P. hip, sexy, and essentially feral. Currently, plans are underway to sign Lady Gaga as the Party’s official “Crazy Ass Bitch.” Additionally, rumor has it that Asher Roth and Tila Tequila are gearing up their campaigns for Senate bids in 2010. Of course, all this activity accompanies the Party’s new mission statement, “Crunk in this piece.”