This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


The Weekly Convo

This conversation is classified. We present this at the cost of our loved one’s fingers. Once it is made public, we will be renegades, outlaws on the run. The two men portrayed in this transcript are cockeyed and rosy-cheeked, respectively. They are two of the highest paid employees in the medical industry.

Cockeyed doctor: “Swine Flu” worked, bless it! We are the most successful epidemic namers in the world.
Rosy-Cheeked doctor: We just can’t lose, can we?
CD: Yeah, too bad we don’t get any vacations. It’s always something.
RD: I know. There’s like a new one every day. I mean come on. Well anyway, which one’s next?
CD: Ooh, this is nasty. Oh yeah. And the file says it spreads like mustard.
RD: Well what is it already?
CD: You remember how with swine flu all the symptoms were exactly like the classic flu symptoms, except more vague?
RD: Yeah. Good thing we deliberately made it sound like a disease for total asswipes. That got people’s attention.
CD: Well this one is just like Athlete’s foot except in your lungs. Itchiness. Flaking. Oozing. It’s like a Chicago pizza in there.
RD: Nice. I’m gonna go with your food instinct on this one. “Bronchital enchiladas?” No, actually that sounds retarded. Maybe just some alliteration. “Leper lungs?” No, “The Flan Flu?” I’m so close!
CD: Marvin, take some more Xanax and calm the fuck down.
RD: Oh yes. More Xanax. More and more.
CD: I’ve got it! “Filthy Roger’s Disease.” Damn I’m smart. Pass me that shit.
RD: I just love you.