This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.

9/24/09

Most Competitive Swine Flu Season Yet

This flu season at Wesleyan marks the most competitive yet. Of a record 2,683 students exposed to the H1N1 virus, only a lucky 71—or 2.65%—have secured infection. “Frankly, we’re baffled and delighted by this dramatic increase from past years,” remarked President Roth.
“I wish I could fully convey the individual strengths and talents among Wesleyan students infected with Swine Flu,” announced Lisa Currie, Director of Health Education at Davison, in a comprehensive report. “The variety of backgrounds, coupled with a shared commitment to poor hygiene and germ-sharing, is inspiring. It’s that diversity which makes them more likely to contribute to the growth of this vibrant epidemic we call Swine.”The mean SAT score of patients has risen to 1,450, while the average hourly phlegm production hovers at a respectable 3.4 ounces. In celebration of the news, indie darlings—and much beloved Wesleyan alumni—MGMT announced a sudden name change to M1M1.