This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


If You Can't Catch Footballs, Take A Shit On The Floor

Dear seven-year-old Sam,

Looking back now, I realize that you’re going to have some tough times ahead of you. In fact, there might be moments where you’ll feel like things can only get worse. But I’ve got just a couple pieces of advice to help you through those times: never forget to smile, always wear socks,
and don’t trust your eye doctor, because he is a dick.

And I don’t mean dick in the sense that he’s a huge vessel for sperm ejaculation. I mean he is going to mess your shit up big time. See, you don’t have any depth perception. This is why you can’t catch footballs. Also, that weird head bobbing thing you do? That’s your eyes, too. Your eye doctor knows this, and he isn’t telling you. Why? Well, because he’s a dick, certified, bona fide, douche diggler. Are you beginning to understand, young one?

So what you should do is take a dump in the middle of his waiting room. You’ll have to talk to mom about it first, but if you show her this letter, she’ll understand. If there’s one thing she loves, it’s practical jokes. The best part is it’s always very crowded in there. You know what I’m talking about, those other little ball-biters are always hogging the Legos. So if you just walk in for your appointment, poop in the corner, and then quietly leave, no one’ll notice. The nurse will come out and be all, “What the shit?” It will be hilarious, ironic, and way less expensive than a lawsuit.

Good Luck,
Future Sam