This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.

2/18/10

Faith-Base Me, Bra

The Lord works in mysterious ways. That’s why when my car broke down, I was able to take flight on the wings of Jesus, by which I mean I snuck into the open trunk of a car in a parking lots. Or take our situation here at Wesleyan. If we really want to ensure the safety of the endowment, we should ask ourselves: couldn’t prayer take care of most programs for students? Here are some ideas for faith-based programs that would not only help to solve our money woes, but of course, bring us closer to Heaven.

Faith-Based Meal Plans: Why waste meals or points at WesWings and Summerfields? Just hover around the cash register, and when someone gets the same number for their order as your favorite Bible verse, grab it and run.

Public Safety: Simply mutter prayers under your breath as you travel. Potential assailants will be so off put by your obviously pious attitude that they wouldn’t dare attack!

The Ride: Wait at an intersection for a car to pass, then jump on. Ask the Lord to guide the driver towards your destination. Stay onboard until you arrive. If you find yourself being taken out of Middletown, jump off at your earliest convenience and conduct some domestic missionary work. Remember: you ended up where you did as part of God’s plan to convert as many non-believers as possible. Get to it!

Climate Control: Nothing better than a bonfire of science textbooks to keep you warm through those freezing winter nights!

Printing: Bring up the paper on your computer, say five "Hail Mary"s, and sleep. The next day, a hard copy of your paper will be resting on your computer’s keyboard! If not, you either didn’t pray haror are a sinner condemned to hell.