This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Good Luck, Liam Neeson

Dear Middle-Aged Man Who Used to Work for the Government’s Super-Secret Murder Squad,

We kidnapped your daughter while she was on vacation in Europe because we are evil and vaguely foreign, with very thick accents. Do not go to the police. They are European; so even if we hadn’t bought them off, there’d be dickspittle they could do anyway. Christ, they can’t even use guns in England. Bitch asses.

Anyway, your daughter. We have her, and will sell her into sex slavery unless you pay us an obscene amount of money. We picked her because we were fairly confident her father would be a blubbering pussy who orders bulk Cheetos online. I mean, seriously, what are the odds he’s some highly trained assassin/detective who’s willing and able to rip all of our balls off in a highly marketable tale designed to act as wish fulfillment for an aging demographic?

So, if you ever want to–Alexi, get the door!–Anyway, you will transfer three million in unmarked–Alexi, who was it? Alexi? Holy shit! Arms aren’t supposed to bend that way! Wait–

Oh shit. Oh shit. I didn’t even finish writing the letter, how the hell did he find-AGGH MY TRACHEA.