The Ampersand interviewed a particularly representative prefrosh named Usdan Fayerweather.
Ampersand: So baby, why Wesleyan?
UF: Well, it’s the perfect environment for me to expand my mind, both with and without hallucinogens. Pot’s starting to lose that extra “oomph” for me, you know?
Amp: What’s the deal with your fishy name?
UF: Oh, that’s just a coincidence. My parents were very formal.
Amp: So Usdan – can I call you Usdan? We know you have a passion for stamp collection. How did you rise to the top of Stamp Kollectors Electorate Enterprise Today (SKEET), the premiere stamp collecting association in North America?
UF: I’ve done things I’m not proud of.
Amp: You’re also an accomplished R&B artist, correct?
UF: That’s right. In fact, I’m in the midst of merging my two passions. My latest album was called “Lickin’ Yo Back.” It’s a concept album about what it means to be a nongendered stamp collector in America, and the persecution it brings. I like to think that my position as the foremost R&B artist who collects stamps lets me give a voice to a sizable minority that would otherwise have to suffer in silence, and I’d really love to experiment further with my music. Some sort of punk/polka fusion thing.
Amp: One last question: are you Wesleyan?
UF: That’s a tough one. I have quoted Hume, Hegel, and Homer Simpson, but if I were a car, I’d probably be an Oldsmobile with authentic pleather interior, with a pair of fuzzy dice under the mirror.