This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Class of 2014: Admitted Students Profile

In an exclusive Class of 2014 profile released this week, the Stewart M. Reid Office of Admissions proudly announced that only 31% of accepted students are complete tools. “Of the remaining 69%, approximately 18% are pretentious cocklaundry,” explained Senior Dean of Admissions Gregory Pyke in a comprehensive report. “The last 51% splits pretty evenly between ass-hoses and Das Racist-fetishizing dickstubs.” The report also flaunted the incoming class’s geographic diversity, noting that only 36% of the potential class hails from Manhattan’s Upper East Side, with Brooklyn, Long Island, and Westchester claiming 17%, 20%, and 37% respectively. “There was also that one young lady from Montana,” added Pyke. “I knew it was a risk, but I have a thing for applicants with nursing home volunteer experience.”