This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Roth Has a Birthday, But That Doesn't Make Him Mortal!

Michael S. Roth, Guardian of Wesleyan (and my dreams), turns one year older on this Thursday, April 8th. He’s rumored to be between several thousand and infinity years old, but some scientists report that time itself is defined by his existence.

In addition to his mythically large penis and invisible handlebar mustache, we can all agree that he’s the gentle and mysterious father-figure that we desperately seek approval from. I’ve been sleeping outside his office for the last two weeks, and I can tell you that he works, and smells vaguely, like a lion king.

This week’s Ampersand is dedicated to the Mary Poppins of liberal arts college presidents, Sir Michael “the human saxophone” Roth, esq.