This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


New History Channel Show About Roth

The History Channel has announced that, after extensive talks with President Michael Roth, they are ready to move forward into preproduction of their newest show, “The Secret War: Michael Roth and the 17th Division.”

“We’re pleased to have Mr. Roth onboard for this project,” said History Channel spokesperson Derek Fellsh. “His is an amazing story. If it weren’t for him, the world would be overrun with the Communist undead.”

The show details his career in the 17th Division, a top-secret branch of Allied High Command, whose objective was to prevent the Communists from recovering ancient occult relics and gaining unimaginable power.

“There are several reasons we decided to focus on Michael,” Fellsh said. “He was a Captain of the 17th from its inception in 1950 to the defeat of Omega-Stalin and the Thule Society in 1969.”

The program will document several operations that Roth headed. These include the Division’s first mission in 1951, wherein they prevented a Soviet commander from attacking London with a doom cannon from a zeppelin hovering above the city, as well as the 1958 raid deep behind enemy lines (led by Roth) on the castle of Wolfenstein to prevent the Communists from gaining access to the “Black Sun,” a potentially limitless source of energy. However, Fellsh expressed particular frustration that the U.S. government explicitly prevented them from documenting the Division’s most dangerous mission: their journey to Hatay to recover an object code-named “The Grizzle Grail.”

“We weren’t allowed even to research that operation,” Fellsh said. “All they said was that revealing the identity of the operating commander would compromise national security. We also had to shoot the last few episodes quickly because Roth insisted that he couldn’t miss a Wesleyan recruiting dinner on the Russian island of Nova Zembla.”