This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Roth Disappoints

In a shocking announcement made on Monday, March 29th, President Roth stated that he would not transform into an Adirondack black bear on his birthday this year.

Roth’s shapeshifting has been his annual birthday event at Wesleyan since he became president. He spends most of the day devouring students on Foss Hill, catching fish in the Connecticut River, and then holding a question and answer session in Exley.

Roth explained that he is unable to transform on any other day of the year due to the weather. “Basically, I’m just like Achilles,” President Roth said, “except that I can transform into a bear on my birthday.”

“I know the student body will be disappointed by my decision,” he said, “but these days, it’s all about vampires and werewolves. I’m not bitter, and I’m not accusing Wesleyan of discrimination, but last year when I was a bear everyone was all like, ‘Turn into a wolf! Turn into a wolf!’ I just don’t think that werebears have the same appeal that they used to.”

Roth reported receiving a number of angry letters and reports of ACB posts threatening to kidnap him and take blood samples to discover the secret to his human-bear transformation. Roth sent a public safety email to all Wesleyan students, but also informed the Ampersand that, “If they try anything, I’ll start bringing my brother to Wesleyan for his birthday. He transforms into a goddamn Allosaurus.”