This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.

4/7/10

Roth Through the Ages

5290 BCE – After extensive travel through the Fertile Crescent, Roth invents writing, the wheel, agriculture, and metaphor.

5288 BCE – Roth begets Martin Benjamin ‘57, his first son and lifelong nemesis.

0 CE – Roth’s Id, Ego, and Superego split into three bodies and gift the baby Jesus with gold, frankincense, and myrrh, respectively.

99 CE – Roth invents the chariot.

1234 – Roth attains Nirvana.

1301 – Roth meets and inseminates Quetzalcoatl, fathers Odin.

1505 – Roth discovers the 12 uses of hemp, starts hemp activism.

1800s – Roth punches Nietzsche in the throat when he suggests that God is dead.

1874 – Roth fathers Winston Churchill.

1933 – Roth fathers Philip Roth.

1944 – Roth cuckolds FDR.

1966 – Roth graduates from fourth grade.

1974 – Roth applies to Wesleyan, gets accepted to Wesleyan, gets crunk at Wesfest.

1975 – Roth slays ADP Grotto Troll and is subsequently named President of ADP.

1977 – Roth fathers Kanye West.

1978 – Roth leaves Wesleyan a year early in order to search for horcruxes. ADP is left leaderless, and it will never recover.

1980 – Roth spurns Madonna. Most of her subsequent releases deal directly with this event.

1995 – Roth hi-fives Jerry Garcia on Jerry Garcia’s deathbed.

2001 – Roth invents the iPod.

April 8, 2010 – The Ampersand writes a brief timeline of Roth’s exploits.

2012 – Roth builds a time machine and travels back to his childhood and fathers himself.