5290 BCE – After extensive travel through the Fertile Crescent, Roth invents writing, the wheel, agriculture, and metaphor.
5288 BCE – Roth begets Martin Benjamin ‘57, his first son and lifelong nemesis.
0 CE – Roth’s Id, Ego, and Superego split into three bodies and gift the baby Jesus with gold, frankincense, and myrrh, respectively.
99 CE – Roth invents the chariot.
1234 – Roth attains Nirvana.
1301 – Roth meets and inseminates Quetzalcoatl, fathers Odin.
1505 – Roth discovers the 12 uses of hemp, starts hemp activism.
1800s – Roth punches Nietzsche in the throat when he suggests that God is dead.
1874 – Roth fathers Winston Churchill.
1933 – Roth fathers Philip Roth.
1944 – Roth cuckolds FDR.
1966 – Roth graduates from fourth grade.
1974 – Roth applies to Wesleyan, gets accepted to Wesleyan, gets crunk at Wesfest.
1975 – Roth slays ADP Grotto Troll and is subsequently named President of ADP.
1977 – Roth fathers Kanye West.
1978 – Roth leaves Wesleyan a year early in order to search for horcruxes. ADP is left leaderless, and it will never recover.
1980 – Roth spurns Madonna. Most of her subsequent releases deal directly with this event.
1995 – Roth hi-fives Jerry Garcia on Jerry Garcia’s deathbed.
2001 – Roth invents the iPod.
April 8, 2010 – The Ampersand writes a brief timeline of Roth’s exploits.
2012 – Roth builds a time machine and travels back to his childhood and fathers himself.