This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.

9/18/09

Service Yourselves

Dear Freshmen, trolls, and other mythical beasts. We love you all equally. And because of this, we at the Ampersand have deemed it appropriate to provide you with a short list of informative resources at Wesleyan. They vary in quality and usefulness, but you should take advantage of all of them because it’s take-advantage-of or be-taken-advantage-of here at Wes. And trust me, you do not want to be taken advantage of by a newspaper. The ink stains are impossible to get off in the morning.

Wesleying: This trusty website (recently updated from a mere blog!) is a solid source for all things happening at Wes. They also find it necessary to throw in random YouTube videos and other irrelevant articles, but they mean well. Generally entertaining and informative, like Rush Limbaugh.

Anonymous Confession Board: Ah…the ACB. Yes, I search it for my name sometimes. Yes, I’ve been written about on it, and I loved it. Yes, I masturbate to the allegedly autobiographical fantasies people post in moments of extreme depravity. TheACB is simultaneously one of the most entertaining and despised institutions on campus. Sound interesting? Check it out for yourself.

Chalking: Chalking doesn’t really exist anymore, but it’s all cyclical. Until a couple of years ago, it was a major source of information on campus. Then Doug Bennet, president with an otherwise stellar reputation, banned chalking, thus propagating the opinion amongst the student body that he was in fact, a douche-juice guzzler. I’ve heard that he was actually a good guy though. Controversial, maybe, but hygienically above reproach.

The Argus: This trusty periodical holds the distinction of being one of the oldest college newspapers in the nation, and the oldest bi-weekly. The Argus is known for its fine reporting, reliability and level-handedness. The front page is always laid out perfectly, with color pictures. The editorial often reflects on a topic of great importance on campus. The sports page is splendid as well. It, sir, is perfect.