What is the Ampersand, you may ask? In short, it’s a multi-billion dollar government conspiracy revealed, an experimental predatory lizard-ape on the loose, the biggest porn star in history turned state governor. We here at the Ampersand take our job very seriously. The job of Infortainment. We take all the triumphs and tragedies of the world and condense them into a few paragraphs about our genitals. For all you freshmen out there (and you know who you are), the Ampersand is the one thing on campus that is lower on the social ladder than you right now. It is the entity you make fun of to be cool.
There’s a lot for you all to learn during this orientation week, and you probably won’t because there’s also a lot for you to drink. But for now, don’t worry, that’s pretty much the only responsibility you have. Once classes start, well, actually it’s still mostly fucking around with crayons and pot, but there are appearances up which to be kept. The Ampersand knows how you feel, and it can help. It has a masters in psychology and can guess astrological signs with frightening precision. Sagittarius, right? Now, allow me to demonstrate the blinding force of a fully operational satire column in this liberal-arts-university newspaper. In closing, I encourge you all to bust it off and burn it down.