This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Meal Plans...TO THE MAX

It’s no secret that the school’s meal plans, while accommodating, are not comprehensive, and it’s estimated that up to 65% of the student body must resort to drinking toner cartridges from their depleted printers for sustenance by the end of the semester. But for a resourceful student, the dining halls can be like manna from Heaven. All you need to do is keep these suggestions in mind.

Bringing Tupperware with you to Usdan is a good start, but if you really want to maximize meal swipe, always wear cargo pants and a hunting vest with lots of pockets. Fill every available space to capacity, but store the hot items in your pants.

At Summerfields, the receipts are law. And here’s a little known fact: the staff behind the counter don’t care how you get the receipt, just so long as you have one when you go up to claim your meal. All too often this dining hall erupts into a vicious melee, as students fight to claim as many meal tickets as possible like it’s Chuck E. Cheese. The penny-conscious student should invest in Krav Maga or Muay Thai classes.

The key to maximizing your points at Weshop is to start a protest, then gradually escalate it into a riot. Grab as much food as you can while everyone’s busy smashing stuff, and then blame it on the Reds.

When in doubt, go the old-fashioned route: find someone smaller than you, grab by the ankles, and shake that shit. Grab whatever falls out and jet. Be sure to turn and shout “dweebus!” during the getaway.