This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


S.T.U.D.Y. Tips From S.A.R.N.

Hey, folks—S.A.R.N. Peer Advisors here. This finals week, we got more requests for study help than ever before (that is, two requests), so we decided to compile our best tips into a brief guide to help you tackle the next semester and beyond.
  1. Cut Reading Time in Half: Slow reader? Wish you could extract the goods without getting bogged down by tedious texts? Try eliminating all instances of the letters ‘G,’ ‘Q,’ and ‘W’ from your reading material. You’ll speed through it twice as fast, and find that these letters were always a little weak and runty. It's natural selection at work.
  2. Nobody Needs Sleep: As the Barenaked Ladies once said: “Chickity China the Chinese chicken / You have a drumstick and your brain stops ticking.” Studies show that getting as much as three hours of sleep every night can diminish your academic performance by 57–65%. We recommend replacing nightly sleep with a long nap at the beginning of every week. Productivity will skyrocket into space!
  3. Dylsexic? So waht!: Studeis show that raednig copmrehesnion isn’t affceted even if the odrer of letters in a wrod is scralmbed. So wrtie those papres twice as fast by ingoring trivial detials like teh milddes of wrods! Your prosefsor won’t even notiec!
  4. Psyche your sources: Writing a proper bibliography is pretty much the biggest waste of time since proofreading—or actually waiting in line for omelets during Usdan brunch (suckers!). We recommend clicking “random article” on Wikipedia, scrolling to the bottom of the page, and just copying and pasting the footnotes. Studies show that only assistant adjunct professors actually care about bibliographies, and what do they matter? They’re adjunct!
Till next semester,

Friendly Neighborhood Peer Advisors