This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.

3/29/11

Ampersand Guide to Self-Surgery

  • Uvulectomy: Reach back into your throat with your thumb and forefinger until you feel your uvula. Touching it may cause you to gag reflexively; if you feel the need to vomit, simply clench your esophageal sphincter to suppress it. Pinch the uvular bulb, digging your nails into the flesh. Say “aah” and give a firm tug. The uvula should detach with a slight pop. Also works for tonsils and swallowed items.
  • Tongue bifurcation: Run with tongue extended into a taut vertical string of dental floss or razor wire.
  • Lasik® laser eye surgery: Complete Lasik® laser eye surgery certification course. Perform surgery on self.
  • Webbed finger separation: Web skin can be easily removed with scissors, hedge trimmers, or one’s own teeth.
  • Boulder-crushed arm removal: 127 hour procedure. But you don’t need 4 MFAs for this one.
  • Tracheotomy: Wedge one end of a chopstick above your Adam’s apple and prop the other end on a table or other surface. Lean on it until you feel it break through your skin and pass out the back of your neck. You’ll find yourself breathing easy in no time (just don’t hit your brain stem!)
  • Splenectomy: Get yo hand right up in there and rip it out yo midriff.
  • Colonoscopy: Buy a pack of colon grub eggs, available over the counter at any pharmacy. Crack a raw chicken egg into your anus, and then embed the colon grubs in the nutrient-rich yolk. In 3-8 weeks the larvae will hatch and devour your colon polyps. But be careful
  • they’ll keep growing if you don’t ex-terminate them quickly, and if they get too hungry they eat your healthy anus tissue too!
  • Wenis reduction: Use a binder clip to flatten folds of excess wenis. Circumcise.
  • Areolae enhancement: Ice them up, then graft some circles of skin from inside your cheeks and lips. If you can’t staunch the mouth blood, graft in some patches from your inner thighs(but don’t hit the femoral artery!).
  • Liposuction: Cut your way into your bloated abdomen with a cookie cutter or shark tooth, then borrow someone’s wet/dry vac and suck until there’s nothing left.
  • Kidney transplant: Steal a kidney (use your imagination; we’ll look the other way). Swallow it down. Your body will naturally know what to do, with a little help from our intelligent designer.
  • Female penis eversion: Reach deep into your vagina and give a sharp tug; you should be able to pull out your inner penis with ease. In a few weeks, you will find that your ovaries have become testicles, but they won’t descend, so you’ll have the coax them down. Time to get boning!