Smoking is Bad1
- Let’s take care of this one immediately. Smoking is addictive. And not in the “OMG How I Met Your Mother is SUCH an addictive show! And now that all 8 Seasons are available on Hulu there’s no way I can focus long enough to take the breath at the end of this sentence! Gotta Go watch NPH KThnxBye!” sense, but more in the “WHAT!? It’sONLYbeen14minutes sincemylast CIGARETTE HOWisthatevenPOSSIBLE? I haven’tsleptin82HOURS andcannot focus ona SINGLEGODDAMN THING” more-addictive-than-cocaine” kind of addictive.
- People say: Smoking Makes You Cool, and All the Cool Kids Do It, and Johnny Depp Smokes Cigarettes2 and He was in Pirates of the Caribbean; Do not listen to these people because These People are Wrong. The less glamorous truth is that Smoking is a leading cause of fat chicks and friendlessness.3
- Smoking will NOT make you sound smarter while talking about an Ishiguro novel you only read the back of.
- Police interrogations are just as terrifying without cigarettes.
- Cigarettes have caused every California wildfire since 1872.
- 100% of Smokers die.
- Also, Stephen Hawking died of cigarettes.
- Smoking will not cause a harem of hipster princesses to spontaneously materialize around you. See: Cocaine, underwhelming music, greasy hair.
- (Cigarette break)
1 As in, morally reprehensible. Like state lotto’s. Or cheese from an aerosol can. Or corporate advertisements beamed into Space.
2 Johnny Depp smokes cloves. And it will never matter how wealthy and long-lashed and indifferent you can look while doing so, you will never be cool smoking cloves.
3 Smokers Quarterly, Vol. 19, Num. IV, “Cigarette Replaces Man’s Best Friend: Costs Less, Walks More,” p. 61. Southern Methodist University Press: Corpus Christi, 1987.