This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.

3/29/11

An Email From The Davison Health Center (ONLINE EXCLUSIVE)

It’s nearing that time of year again: allergy season!

As midterms wind down and prep begins for Spring Fling and WesFest, we want to make sure you take special care of yourselves, so we’ve decided to compile a list of tricks and tips for the spring.
  1. Try your best to exercise regularly.
  2. Eat healthfully.
  3. Practice safe sex (in your rooms).
  4. Only use a Fleshlight if it is your own. The Fleshlights found lying around the Butts tunnels have probably been used and so it is likely they are suppositories for disease. Don’t touch them.
  5. If you suffer from seasonal allergies, take one, and no more than one, Claritin daily.
  6. Those of you in Clark with windows facing Olin: close your blinds at night.
  7. Remember that “going home” is a baseball term. Home plate on Andrus is not a place for orgies. Nor are any of the other bases for that matter.
  8. Professor Charleston, in the Humanities Department, left a stack of term papers on his desk when he exited his office last Monday night, and when he came back the next morning, they were stuck there. Do not let this become a habit.
  9. Just because Obama spoke on that podium doesn’t mean it is okay to fuck there. Thanks in advance!
  10. As the days pass, it’s going to get hotter, so remember to stay constantly hydrated.
  11. WesBreasts: The Movie is hardly an appropriate title for a senior thesis film.
  12. Several students reported vomiting after ingesting some viscous substance in the Usdan pesto. If you’re working in the vegan section at Usdan, you are to be doing your job and nothing else.