This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Mortality Cited As Leading Cause of Student Death

Leading scientists have identified mortality (also known as death, dying, the Malaysian catnap, and Kennedying) as an epidemic on the rise. Despite advances in medical technology, mortality still claims more lives than ever before and doesn’t seem to be slowing down any time soon. With daily exposure on the front pages of newspapers everywhere, mortality is bigger than Jesus, the Beatles, and crystal meth combined. The Ampersand has generously blackmailed a panel of international experts into compiling this list of mortality tips for your benefit.
  • Over 97 percent of all university students die at some point in their lives.
  • Smoking increases the risk of mortality onefold.
  • Contrary to widespread belief, the “Carradine defense” of fleeing to Thailand, stripping naked, tying a protective rope around one’s neck, and feverishly masturbating is not an effective prevention of mortality.
  • Exercise is a great way to fill your time in the hospice.
  • There are many ways to succumb to mortality. Some of the more popular include: erotic de-capitation, space shuttle explosions, hemlock, assassination, taking one for the team, being set upon by lions at the emperor’s order, consuming spoiled yogurt, Christian rock mosh mishaps, His wrath, and alone.