This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


The Editor on Crime and Punishment

The way ancient civilizations punished crime was fanciful, romantic even. Steal some oats, get ripped apart by the stallions who would’ve eaten them. Slander a public official, lose your children in the night. They appreciated the sting of irony back then. Today, though, we live in an age of passive aggression. Legal punishments are basically just time outs with all the free tattoos and sloppy joes you can handle. I mean, prison used to be the punishment for public crying. We need a change, to stop punishing our criminals in such counterproductive ways. As I see it, we’ve got millions of contestants for new Japanese game shows. The kind in which participants are humiliated to a background of ear-splitting audience laughter. We could drop them in huge tubs of melted chocolate, naked, and see how they struggle. Or imagine a serial murderer attempting a motorcycle jump into a flock of pigeons while on fire. That way, they’re giving back to America by supplying the best medicine of all. Mr. Obama, recycle your felons.