This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


ΔKE Suffers Tragic Downfall Because of Ancient A-hole

As retribution for an act of hubris in millennia past, the Delta Kappa Epsilon fraternity suffered nemesis this past Wednesday as Todd Armand ’11 attacked Mike Douglass ’10 in a covetous rage for the House Manager title.

ΔKE can trace its lineage all the way back to the 5th century BC, to its founding member, Broesus of Miletus: a great athlete of his time, winner of Olympiads, and reported lover of “adolescent stamina.” As it became clear that none could rival him in trials of strength or intellect, Broesus’ pride grew too great.
Legend has it that prior to a nude discus competition, Broesus consulted the Oracle at Delphi to secure favor with the gods, and he was told,

“Broesus, son of Thebes/If you do not cease in your prideful ways/Many thousand years hence in Middletown/A most horrible Doom shall be wrought upon the Fraternitous Children of Thebes.”

Broesus ignored the prophecy to the ΔKE brothers’ eventual peril: on the 2500th anniversary to the hour of the Oracles’ prophecy, nemesis fell upon his distant progeny in the form of bro-on-bro violence. The house woke to Douglass’ cry of “Ah, I am struck a deadly blow deep and within” as a jealous Armand attacked the sleeping Douglass with a hockey stick and a ferocity that witnesses described as “mad fucking crazy, yo.”
Responding to questions of motive, the unrepentant Armand explained: “He filled our cup with things unspeakable, and now he has drunk it to the dregs.” No one is sure yet what “in hell he means by that shit.” Armand’s roommate, Tyler Watson ’11, expressed his extreme surprise at Armand’s actions, saying, “that kid was such a chill brah. I never thought he’d become a terrorist.”

The case will be heard by the SJB next week. Said Mike Sanford ’11, “This action will by no means be taken lightly. The unlyric threnody of the Fury seeks out doers of wrong and desecrators of the House of Wes. Wait, what? Say that back to me again.”