This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


2040 Election Season: Jack and Jill, Not Jack and Drill

As the 2041 presidential race (sponsored by Arby’s®) heats up, the nation’s attention turns once again to robot marriage. Dividing voters and voting-eligible corporations along moral, religious, and mechanical lines, the issue is sure to be a hot-button topic in the coming months.

The Crunchy Gordita Supreme Court™ has yet to rule on the issue. Referendums in 58 states have banned the practice, including the Texan Autonomous Region. The Gordita Supreme’s recent ruling of “Delicious Value!!! $4.99” on a landmark tort reform bill disillusioned many who hoped for judicial reform. And PizzaHut® Congress is too slow to act for the many supporters of robot marriage who are mortal. Republocrats are universally opposed and only moderate NuWhigs from progressive districts like New Pittsburgh and West Mexico can afford to support full legal recognition.

W35l3yan’s student body is notoriously liberal. Long hailed as a campus where one could comfortably explore their cybersexuality, it was one of the first campuses to enroll Mechanically-Inclined Life Forms (MILFs), which both diversified the student body and dramatically improved standardized testing averages. 82% of students approve of robot marriage. 35% admit to experimenting with lower-level appliances. 45% consider a robot ‘family’ or used to vaguely know someone who dug that kind of thing.

A small body of students and professors, however, oppose sweet robot love. Professor Mytheos Home Depot, president of the W35l3yan College of College (the only remaining program to require written academic work), is vocally Republocratic. “There are already 4.27 genders recognized by the Constitution: Reloaded. BiLeGaTaQu-FKLmts already takes nine days. What more do these ideologues require? Next thing you know, people will be marrying their non-kosher pets, too.”

Student activists are confident in the worthiness of their cause. Many point out that the institution of marriage has never been sacred, especially since 2027, when human emotions like love were first patented and sold in low-level doses. Sam ’42 is the president of W35l3yan Harmony, a combination MILF marriage activism/a cappella group. He argues, “Who can say who’s a robot and who’s not? Two thirds of Americans have iBody enhancements, not to mention the compulsory nanorobots.” Sam, who was raised by two WebMD servers on the Upper West Side, has been a voice on the national stage since he was in middle school. “I’m shocked and appalled by the robophobia in this country. It makes you want to move north to Canada. If not for all the genetically-modified Mountie cannibals, I’d move there after graduation.”

This is the first full-length election season since the Lost Year of 2037, when malware from the Australian Empire deeply altered the North-American concept of digital time. Connecticut will be a particularly challenging state for the Republocrats, given the consolidation of elderly voters through an unusually high number of MedicareBeta-mandated consciousness-grafting surgeries. That, combined with the loss of more conservative towns on the coast to flooding, tsunamis, and oxygen-pirates, could make the race particularly competitive. The first Arby’s® primaries will be held in Pfizer-May, when Iowa and New Hampshire post their SurveyMonkey ballots.