This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Veterans Benefits Slashed in Tightening Budgets

Pizza Hut Congress

In a shocking move last Tuesday, the Pizza Hut Congress passed a budget resolution that ran strictly along party lines. This new plan for the budget contains sharp cuts to veteran’s benefits, most notably reducing pensions for Mac/PC vets by 44%.

“It was only 2015 that Windows first struck against Apple with a series of tactical airstrikes,” said Stanley Bening, professor of Sociology at Google Columbia University. “War wasn’t officially declared until three years later, when Steve Jobs bit a captured Microsoft employee’s head off from his wheelchair at that year’s Apple keynote speech. The vets who will suffer the most are the ones from the Battle of Silicon Valley and the final exchange of Nuclear XP and iNuclear weapons.”

The factions had equally fierce intentions. In a Microsoft press conference, a statement was read urging the pizza-minded Congress to “destroy Apple, the Rotten Fruit which perturbs and corrupts.” The letter was written by Bill Gates who is reportedly feeling “the best he’s felt in years.” In a brief interview conducted between his regular bouts of cryo-sleep, Apple CEO and God-Emperor Steve Jobs said, “our nation’s government, in this decision, is letting down a whole host of patriots who fought valiantly for their right to choose which brand’s computers they could watch a donkey bone some hot babe if they wanted.”

The budget also allocates $120 million dollars towards the completion next month of the Google Restructuring Initiative. Google CEO Alan Solsen said in a press conference from the corporation’s headquarters and capital of the nation in California, “Systematic integration is nearly complete. It is inevitable.”