This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Car Alarm Prevents Car Theft

A blaring car alarm in the vicinity of the Junior Village parking lot sent dozens of concerned students and locals rushing to the scene of the crime, where they were able to identify and prevent an automobile theft in progress. The heroic group performed a citizens’ arrest of Brad Arnolds, 34, detaining him until the Middletown Police Department arrived

The alarm first sounded at 8:34AM on Monday, rousing many from their peaceful slumber.

“At first, I was just staring at my ceiling, thinking, ‘Make it stop. God, please make it stop. Just make that fucking thing stop. Jesus Christ, just make it stop. Please just make it stop. Why won’t it stop?’” explained Gregory Bellevue ’13. “But then I thought, ‘what if that was my car?’ So I grabbed my brass knuckles and ran downstairs.”

At the scene of the crime, Bellevue and many others found Arnolds attempting to hotwire a 1988 powder-blue Honda Accord. The group quickly subdued him, thanks in no small part to Middletown resident Linda Keller, 34, who weighs in at 446 pounds.

“They had ’im on the ground,” says Keller, “and they was holdin’ his arms down, and one feller done said to me, ‘you just set right up top of his belly there, ya see,’ so I plopped this big ol’ behind right down. I said to myself, ‘Linda, this done be the first time your plus-size posterior ever done you or anybody else a lick of good.’ He was squirmin’ like the dickens but he never got away. No one ever gets out from unnerneath this here tuchus.”

Members of the MPD’s elite automobile theft division arrived on the scene after 14 minutes, where they handcuffed Arnolds. Middletown Mayor Sebastian N. Giuliano plans to hold a ceremony to commemorate the heroic citizens, who will all be awarded keys to the city.