This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Usdan Center Destroyed by Very Small Earthquake

In the early hours of Friday, Sept. 23, over 3,000 spectators gathered in awe as the Usdan University Center crumbled to the ground.

The Usdan-specific earthquake was really poor timing for Linus’ band practice in rehearsal room 101. The band members have been seen roaming around the wreckage aimlessly, along with five Bon Appétit managers and two students dragging a Fast-a-Thon sign through the debris at their feet.

Jacob Weinstein ’13 said, “This is a real blow to people trying to keep kosher this semester. Really what it comes down to is that, before the fire, there was a place to get kosher food ready made on campus. Now there isn’t.”

The response from the freshman class has been mixed. Jared Taylor ’14 of WestCo said, “When you think about it, it’s going to be a real treat to be able to reminisce about this in three years. Like honestly, I hear people talking about how cool MoCon was, like what the fuck is that? Anyways, in three years, it will be our turn.”

After the embers cooled, a handful of students were seen rummaging through the wreckage, salvaging what they could. Smith Holzberger, ’11, said, “Its really a take all you can carry deal. Now that we don’t have Usdan, those white plastic plates and yellow cups have really become a hot commodity. It’s not like you can walk in and take
new dishes whenever your old dishes get dirty. There are a limited number of them now. I just scored two plates and a bowl.”

With the loss of the main campus dining center, business at WesWings has really picked up, and reportedly Pi has seen a promising stable flow of people as well. Pi Manager Karen Harris said, “It’s really lucky that we didn’t seem to lose any customers. We still sell about 12 sandwiches a day, thank god.”

The WSA, which previously held meetings in the Usdan Center, will be meeting on Foss Hill until they can find another space. Nandita Krup ’11 confirmed that they will be sitting in a large circle on the hill, but could not speculate as to whether or not they will be bringing guitars.

“If people are in the right mood, they just might bring them. It's really too early to tell,” she said.

Campus officials say that there will be an eating event for hungry students and faculty at 12:30 and 7:00 in Summerfields daily. Light snacks will be provided.