This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.

4/26/11

WeSpeak: Keep Your Tongue Out Of My Ears

He licked my ear. And bit it. Like a bunny nibbling on a carrot, he delicately grazed my cartilage and kissed the lobe. What the fuck. Is this supposed to be sexy?

At a party this weekend, I became another victim of the disturbing rise in sexual fetishes on our campus, and frankly, this trend is pissing me off. What happened to chivalry? Is it dead, along with the proper repression of all sexual deviance?

Maybe I’m a bit old fashioned, but sex is something sacred, meant to be shared between two, three, or up to twelve people. Instead of making out with each other’s ears, sexually active college students should be exploring more traditional forms of lovemaking, such as the missionary position, when a couple climbs on top of the Memorial Chapel to fornicate and sing songs they learned at church camp.

They could even take a hint from the Kama Suture, when a lover stabs hir partner with a kitchen knife, stitches it up, and proceeds to penetrate the healing wound. Is this sort of simple, sensual intimacy too much to ask from our student body?

I cannot even remember the last time a nice young man took me out to dinner and a movie before chopping off my hair and braiding it into a rope to use for autoerotic asphyxiation in a public restroom. It has been years since I have even had a boyfriend willing to meet my parents, dress like a giant baby, and let me breastfeed him while watching Sesame Street.

I, like other Wes students, fancy myself a proper liberal, but where are we willing to draw the line between what is erotic and what is just plain weird? Keep it classy, Wesleyan, and keep your tongue out of my ears.