This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Fauver Carmelite Fights Temptation

Esperanza Magdalene ’14, Wesleyan’s so-called “Fauver Nun,” says that she made the first social blunder of her college life during freshman orientation.

“I took the words ‘Foss Cross’ literally,” she said, kneading the hems of her heavy habit in embarrassment. “While my classmates were fucking the gender binary, I was alone on Foss Hill, crucifying and effigy of Our Lord.”

As the university’s only Carmelite Nun, Magdalene spends much of her time in prayer and meditation. But her life at Wesleyan has not been entirely pure.

“University is a place of temptations and depravities,” she said, in an exclusive interview with the Ampersand. “I’ve never before devoted so much time to onanism,” she confessed. “And I never imagined that I would find so many ways to use rosary beads.”

Despite having succumbed to various sexual improprieties, Magdalene says she remains committed to her vows and to the Carmelite order.

“Mother Superior only allowed me to attend university because the other nuns would not stop singing about solving a problem like me,” Magdalene said. “I absolutely mustn’t betray her trust, or she’ll call me a ‘flibbertigibbet’ ‘a will-o’-the-wisp,’ or ‘a clown.’”