This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Genital Jousting Arouses Campus

Frustrated by the multiplicity of norms in sexual expression and the attendant difficulties in adapting safer-sex techniques, the university’s Peer Health Advocates (PHAs) have decided to penetrate the status quo with a deconstructive event.

“It’s called Penis and Vagina Jousting,” said PHA Scotus Grotsky ’12. “We ram a giant penis and the giant vagina from the WesWell offices into each other and have a contest to see who wins.”

The event promises to become a yearly tradition in the vein of Groundhog Day.

“It’s like, if the dick wins, it’s six more weeks of patriarchy for the semester,” said awed prefrosh Ken McDowd ’15. “Fuck yes! I’m so excited, go Wes!”

Opposition is nearly as widespread as support for the event, with frontrunners for the title of genital-bearer worried about the possibility of sore wrists and pelvic sprains.

Reproductive rights advocacy rights groups have also expressed concerns, in the words of one protester, “about the heteronormativity of the act in microcosm.”

The administration has voiced its concerns as well.

“[The event is] just lat-out disrespectful,” said Merkin Gurk, Dean of the Class of 2013. “It detracts from the regal rectitude of our other fine traditions, such as the saga of the Douglas Cannon.”