This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Thats Right, You Got It From Eating Poop

By Daniel Witkin
Vermin Supreme
Campus has seen a spike in viruses that, like Banquo’s ghost, bring your sick secrets out of your stomachs and into the light. That’s right, you sick children have been eating poop.

The Davison Health Center would like to take some measure of responsibility for the matter at hand. "We thought you young scholars could keep your hands away from your butts. We were wrong: there’s an outbreak of fecal-oral disease, and you all got it by eating poop."

On onset of gastroenteritis may be gradual or very sudden, some- times waking students from sleep with a bout of vomiting and nausea, accompanied in some cases by head- ache, dizziness, sense of temperature disequilibrium, and fatigue, and in all cases by a well-deserved sense of shame potent enough to affect even those of you unscathed by doing on Saturdays what we know you do.

Although it really should go without saying, please attempt to refrain from gobbling shit during this time.

This is a preventable illness and we’d like your help in limiting trans- mission, although it’s going to be quite difficult if you kids are going to insist on eating poop. In the absence of such common sense, Wesleyan’s Davison Health Center has decided to shame those afflicted by releasing in this article a list of those whose bodies should be avoided: