This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


WILD Wes Receives $50k Grant to Redesign Occupy Wall Street Protest

Members of WILD Wes, the student group that emerged last year to promote sustainable landscape design, have secured from the administration a $50,000 grant to redesign Occupy Wall Street’s temporary occupation of Foss Hill.

“Our long-term goal is to convert these three tents into sustainable, organic groundcover without getting too much topsoil on Anwar,” says WILD Wes cofounder Sim Salver ’12. “We figure this whole shebang will be more ecologically sound if we just keep dumping permaculture on everyone.”
Members of WILD Wes expressed concern regarding Occupy Wall Street’s “self-destructive fondness for wholly unsustainable conversation topics.”

“If these guys say one more thing about the corporate personhood currency phallus, I am going to explode,” Marge Helvetica ’14 warned.

Last weekend, WILD Wes representatives trailed Occupy Wall Street members to their New York protest site to prevent the group from spreading beech bark disease in Manhattan’s financial district. “We even convinced some group members to help us dig swales on Fulton Street,” Salver reported. “Those things really help funnel New York’s perennial biochar sheet-mulch rejuvenation.”    

WILD Wes hopes to seek further assistance from Occupy Wall Street in reaching its environmental aims.

“We thought it would be tough to convert these protesters to our cause, but it was super easy,” one WILD Wes member assures. “These dudes will shovel anything if you tell them it’s the best way to fight the corporate fascist plutocracy cookie monster.”