This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.

9/27/11

Suddenly Last Summer

No one knows exactly what happened to WildWes last summer.

The twelve long-haired, fair-trade-coffee-drinking friends who constituted the core of WildWes moved into a house on campus to greenify the WestCo courtyard. It sounded innocent enough.  But when the rest of the Wesleyan community returned to campus this fall, the leaders of WildWes were irreversibly, markedly changed.

Gone were the “chill vibes,” the sandals, and the passionate environmentalist rhetoric that once distinguished WildWes leaders from their peers. The leaders of WildWes were now stressing out about course registration, rocking boat shoes, and explaining to a shocked campus their new plan for the courtyard: to turn the space into a miniature lacrosse field. The presidents of Westco were too stunned to offer immediate comment.

“I just really wish I hadn’t wasted my time on all those studio art and creative writing classes,” WildWes leader Ike Fug ’12 said between appointments at the Career Resource Center. “There’s no way I can get all the credits I need at this point to get into a top tier business school.”

When asked about his environmentalist ambitions, Fug shrugged and said, “Honestly, coal and oil provide so many jobs that are crucial to the American economy.  We need to focus on saving Main Street right now, not Wall Street.” Fug continued to digress, intoning various unrelated political clich├ęs.

Theories as to what instigated this dramatic change abound: some believe the WildWes students fell under the sway of a particularly right-wing MoCon gremlin. Others speculate that they unearthed and smoked a stash that had been buried in the courtyard for far too long. Still others blame interactions with radioactive grasshoppers. The actual events remain a mystery.