This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Molemen Unearthed in WestCo Courtyard Actually Pretty Chill

Last week, WILD Wes members discovered an entrance to the Hidden World, the realm of the molemen. The find took all those present by surprise, including the moleman standing guard.

“It’s bad enough to be digging and suddenly come across a hairless, blind mole person,” recalled Harriet Moss ’14. “But when they start to secrete a protective mucus all over your shoes, it can be really tricky to maintain your composure.”

“Well, what else was I supposed to do?” said Dicke Driphole, the moleman in question. “Bitch was asking for it, hitting me on the head with the shovel like that.”

The WILD Wes members were initially wary as more molemen emerged from the tunnel, shielding their eyes from the harsh sunlight. Public Safety was initially fearful that conflict would ensue between the surface dwellers and those who lurk below, and remained wary, circling the opening on their Segways, ready to leap into action at a moment’s notice. But it soon became clear that they meant no harm.

“There was good reason to be careful, as there’s ample evidence of such things occurring,” claimed professor of anthropology Alan Faulkner. “As recently as 1983, uncovering passages to the World Below has resulted in deadly fighting. Granted, that incident was in Thailand and rather than molemen, they uncovered overgrown meat-weasels, but you can never be too careful in situations like this.”

Rather than laying waste to the community of polyamorous hippies, the molemen have only gone so far as to occupy the WestCo café, citing the “comforting moistness and general cavernous feel of the space.”

“The Dominion of the Molemen is a paternalistic hegemony,” claims Esther Greaseskin, one of the group of molemen occupying the WestCo café. “It’s right there in the name. We’re looking to collaborate with your department of gender studies to come up with a more gender neutral name for our species. Not moleperson, because that just sounds stupid, but maybe something more along the lines of ‘moledividual’.”

“I’ll talk with them about it, but not in my office,” said professor of gender studies Abigail Rawlins. “They are slimy as shit, and I don’t want that all over my carpet.”