This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Student Realizes She is Not at Wellesley

As we begin our third week of school, Usdan empties, flowers wilt, and toilets clog as everyone feels things once new and exciting lose their gild and fall into daily routine. Everyone, that is, except freshman Jessica Witnit, who recently discovered that for the past two weeks she has been attending Wesleyan University, not Wellesley College.

Disoriented by Hurricane Irene, Witnit arrived on campus and mistakenly registered as Jennifer Nitwit ’15. She proceeded to move into and share Nitwit’s room, the crowdedness of which both ascribed to high enrollment. Without space for another bed, Witnit and Nitwit had no choice but to spoon every night. 

“We became really close,” Nitwit mumbled blushingly.

Dean Goel Narrett finally cleared up the problem after a meeting with the two freshmen.

“Subsisting on only one WesID, Jessica and Jennifer came in to meet with me when they ran out of meal swipes on Thursday,” disclosed a somber Garrett. “It’s very unfortunate, but we’re actually quite used to this sort of mix-up, so I was not unprepared.”

With Nitwit’s discovery has come a swell of students realizing that they aren’t at Wesleyan College, Wilbrahem Wesleyan Academy, or other schools that share Wesleyan’s nomenclature, including a fifth year Senior who just figured out that he was not in Ohio.

As Nitwit prepares to start the school year afresh, she does have some reservations.  

“While I am excited to have my own identity again,” Nitwit said, “I’ve kind of gotten used to having a bed buddy.”