This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.

11/3/09

The Editor on Conspiracies

The nature of conspiracy theories is shrouded in mystery. It’s hard to tell whether the moon actually exists, or if the government planned it all along. And did the Illuminati really kill O.J. Simpson? Conspiracies can be found everywhere, from inside your mailbox to outside the milky way galaxy. One minute the dollar bill has tracking devices built in by NASA, and the next minute I’m stealing handfuls of them from a Starbucks tip jar. What I mean is, life’s complicated. Right and wrong are relative, obviously, and when push comes to shove, it’s the government that’s sexually deviant, not me. I don’t even know how that live goldfish got in my ass hole, and I certainly didn’t eat it afterward. They’re watching you right now, so don’t look up. Keep pretending that you enjoy reading this so that they’ll underestimate your intelligence, which’ll make it easier to escape. Do not believe them when they say “we’re here to help you” because they never are. Here’s some advice: start leaving booby traps wherever you go. I do it to help notify me of approaching government assassins or alien assassins or the Chinese again.

Sometimes I leave glass bottles on the floor next to ajar doors, ensuring me enough time to welcome intruders with curaré-coated blow darts and a zinger catchphrase. Thing is, once you’ve killed a conspiracy henchman, you’ve gotta be prepared to dispose of the evidence quickly because the cops will suspiciously be at the front door already. Now there’s no time, gotta run. But all this fighting and fleeing might make you doubt which side you’re on. “I must get to the bottom of this,” you might say, psyching yourself up for a roof-to-roof dive-and-roll. And you’re right. If you give up, they win, they get away with terrorism. And last time I checked, terrorism was for Communists.

-Dave