This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.

11/3/09

Faculty Members Extremely Dangerous and Intriguing

There’s a startling new epidemic at Wesleyan--not bestiality, although that’s definitely been going around. Rather, several faculty members have dark magical secrets that the administration can no longer hide; a reliable source has confirmed that a group of tenured professors are actually mythical beasts in disguise. “Their secret has been protected by Wes’s resident wizard,” our anonymous tattletale reports. “But budget cutbacks have forced him into early retirement, breaking the ancient spell cast by Agrippa during the Dark Ages.” The Live Action Role Playing student group will be reenacting an epic battle between Michael Roth (who’s actually a giant horny toad) and Dean Melendez (a falcon-lobster) next Friday.

Concerns have already emerged; Alvin Lucier ruined his experimental music class last week when he transformed into a feathered lion-snake and decapitated a student, thereafter feasting on his innards with pride. “He shape shifted during the Spanish inquisition to avoid persecution, and syphilis,” says our shyguy whistle-blower.

“He’s found a safe and accepting home at Wesleyan,” WesAmnesty president Chelsea Bronstein insists that Wes must remain a safe haven for these renegade creatures. “Who cares if Janine Basinger is a fire-breathing, three-headed moth? We’ve given these professors a home, and we can’t just take that away because they’re some kind of “other.” She proceeded to drink the blood of a virgin while pounding her chest and growling.

Others insist that the beasts must be stopped. “They’re an abomination!” shouts sophomore Adam Miller to anyone on Foss Hill who will listen. “The only way to stop them is to skin their leader and sing a hymn to the ancients...meet me back here in ten for the angry mob.”

The obvious lesson to take away from this controversy is that dragons are excellent Spanish professors.