This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.

11/3/09

The Nazis Are Behind it All

The Nazis have infiltrated Wesleyan, I swear. The truth is dangling in our faces like a gilded crucifix, but we’re all too busy being indie narcissists. Just look at the evidence.

What first tipped me off were the study carrels in Sci-Li. Definitely Swastikas. When I saw them, my first thought was “Dude.” My second thought was “swastikas.” I don’t remember my third thought.


I live in the Nics, and the other day I was sitting in my room meditating on Priapus, the Sacred Phallus, when all of a sudden I noticed how hot it was. Like really hot – I took off all my clothes and went into my neighbor’s room to see if he noticed it. He was naked too, so I asked, “did you get naked because of the heat?” And he was like, “no, it’s just Sunday afternoon, but I guess it is kind of hot in here.” I went back to my room and called Physical Plant, and they we’re all, “we’ll get on it soon.” My ass.

I got written up for drawing penises on all the whiteboards on my hall and the SJB gave me eight hours of community service, raking leaves and shit –which was kind of like forced labor. I’ve also been seeing a lot of German-made cars on campus. Also a Vespa scooter. And they’ve recently had some sort of sausage variant at Usdan a few too many times for comfort. Plus, my econ professor looks a whole lot like Rudolph Hess.

Although this is certainly perturbing, it didn’t strike me just how deep the conspiracy ran until I discovered the shifty icing on the shady cake. Consider, if you will, the following anagram:
MICHAEL ROTH ––> MACHO HITLER

I mean, come on. And “Wesleyan University” itself rearranges to “Teensy, wiry, evil anus.” If that isn’t sinister, then I’m a virgin. But don’t be surprised if the Stuart M. Reid House of Propaganda doesn’t tell you about any of this on the tour – their job is to keep a smiling, benign, sultry face on this institution of eugenicist, fascist, elitist, dickhole whisperers.

We must take action. I’ve already destroyed my WesCard, branded “E Nomine Libertas” on my forearm, and bought a box of live grenades. If this madness doesn’t stop, I’m transferring back to Bard.