Your computer monitor is currently displaying the first 2010-2011 issue of the Wesleyan Ampersand, the humor section of the Argus. Freshpersons, we hope Orientation was satisfactory, and that everyone engaged at your hall meetings. Now begins your four years of college. Stay alert. We at the Ampersand do not want you to enter this strange and exciting new period of your life without some sound advice from those with experience, dignity, and smooth, firm biceps. So here is everything we could think of during the nine minutes it took to microwave our foot-long hero sandwiches:
• Walk around in large packs; there is strength in numbers. Solid evidence from all phyla of the animal kingdom supports this.
• On Tuesdays, the Gatorade dispenser in Usdan actually dispenses vermouth.
• Think carefully before you get ice cream and pizza at the same time: you’ll have to eat the pizza while the ice cream melts, or eat the ice cream while the pizza gets cold!
• Hollow out books that you think are boring—the storage is worth it. We recommend Thucydides’ History of the Peloponnesian War. Anyone at the Ampersand can summarize it for you.
• Beta has free milk after 7 pm on the first Thursday of every second month. Knock and ask politely.
• If you knock long enough on the Skull and Serpent tomb door, it will open.
• If your party is busted by P-safe, hide all the liquor in your mouth. P-safe is not allowed to search your mouth.
• Have a ribald good time without alcohol: hold your breath until you feel lightheaded.
• There is fifth WestCo (Down 5) underneath the CFA, only accessible by dumbwaiter on the Sabbath.
• Be discerning about who you spend your time with: time is money, and money is cash, and Cash Rules Everything Around Me (C.R.E.A.M.)
• When a hawk or falcon eats a squirrel, the tail is left behind. Look downwind.
• Caressed or licked, the popliteal fossa (the patch of skin behind the knee) is a powerful erogenous zone. Seduce Zes and Hirs using this technique. Attain best access by slithering along the floor.
• Check your testicles for strange lumps in the shower, or have a friend do it.
• See if you can throw a handful of yogurt in Usdan without hitting someone who went to high school at Fieldston.
• The tunnels are just a dirty hallway that someone graffitied.
• Don’t pee in bottles.
• Don’t be an asshole.
—Piers & Benjamin