The practice of sexile, whereby one roommate is ignominiously banished while the other has sex with a person, is an unfortunate aspect of the freshman experience. Lest you find yourself in the cold, lonely straits of waiting in a friend’s room trying not to look at their lame Wicked poster, take these handy preemptive measures:
• Prepare a memo about your roommate’s shortcomings and weaknesses and distribute it after class.
• Leave your Duplo collection next to hir bed. Duplo is a bonerkill.
• Forsake language, sleep hanging from the ceiling, and hunt squirrels. Gain a reputation around campus as “the Wildman” (even if you aren’t a man), so your roommate will thus be cursed with the reputation of “the one who lives with the Wildman.”
• Say, “Isn’t three enough for one evening?” if your roommate enters with a potential mate.
• If you absolutely must have the room that night, barricade the door with their mattress and don’t let them in no matter what you might hear outside.
• Spread rumors about your roommate: ze used SparkNotes for Plato’s Republic in high school; ze is secretly covered with oozing, contagious pustules; ze doesn’t think too highly of the new Panda Bear singles; ze deals 50% oregano to unsuspecting freshmen.
• Discuss the possibility of sexile with your roommate and come to your own arrangement.
However, should the worst come to pass, you aren’t entirely out of options. You can camp out in the library, just like the pioneers did. Although the building technically closes at night, you can probably set up a tent and campfire in the stacks without anyone finding you. If there are people making the beast with two backs in the stacks right next to your campsite, go to your advisor’s house and ask to use the guest room. That’s what they’re for.