This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


New Foss Vies For Spotlight

Fresh faces on campus this year have something a little different to look forward to: a new hill dubbed ‘Freshman Foss,’ or ‘MoCon Foss,’ on the site of the demolished McConaughy Dining Hall. The sloping field of dirt faces the Vine Street tennis courts and features newly installed plastic fencing. Created in order to address both crowding on Foss and a gaping construction hole, student response has been overwhelmingly positive.

“Another hill! When I toured they only mentioned one!” said Miriam Winters '14. A sophomore transfer student, Kris Connors, added, “Dirt stains wash out better than grass stains.” The barren lot, which still has bits of rubble and wire sticking out of the ground, can’t be used as a sledding hill because it abuts a busy roadway, and sometimes the loose soil causes sudden falls to the sidewalk below. But many students welcome this change. “You have to pay attention,” said Connors. “It keeps you alert.”

Some older students don’t like the change to campus. The tennis team wishes to maintain its current lack of visibility. “It’s just better with no one there,” said one anonymous ball boy.

Wesleyan Alumni have charged the University with disrespecting an Ancient Indian Food Burial Ground. “MoCon served samosas that one time,” said a Bon Appetit spokesperson. “They were pretty bad.”

For now, Freshman Foss is the perfect site for finding new friends. Three students have been bitten by the disoriented bats that burrow in the dirt furrows, and the trio bonded in the Middletown Hospital Emergency Room.

“I don’t think I’ll ever hang out on that bigger hill in the middle of campus,” said Greg Donovan ‘13, who recently contracted tetanus on the new hill from a piece of jagged pipe. "This one's steeper, edgier, all around awesome."